For A Moment, I Was Worried

Thank God, you guys. Thank God. For a minute, I was worried that Kansas, of all places, was going to eclipse Arizona in vying for the coveted “most bigoted state in the Union” award. I mean, we’ve got a reputation, you know? We’ve got Sheriff Joe and tent cities and pink underwear. Remember SB 1070? That was us! We can’t let some glorified cornfield best us in trying to single out people that don’t fit a narrow definition of what constitutes a “proper person.”

(Straight and white and preferably male, if you were wondering what defines a “proper person” in these states, but we’re willing to slide on the third one… sometimes. Depends on a lot of mitigating factors.)

Fortunately, our state government is taking steps to make sure that Kansas doesn’t surge ahead in the discriminatory law race. We’ve got our own version of the “refuse service to gays for, like, religion and stuff” law in the works.

Thank God. I mean, can you imagine having to do business with somebody who you disagreed with? What if somebody came into YOUR business and asked you to engage in commerce even though they were clearly living their lives in a way that that was offensive to your sensibilities and maybe even morally bankrupt according to your deeply held beliefs? Can you imagine the horror? It’s unthinkable!

After all, it’s not like customer service is about dealing with people and helping them even when you don’t like them or agree with them on things and even though they bother you a lot and-

Oh wait.

Shit.

Guys. You guys. I forgot something really importantI feel so stupid. It’s this rule I learned somewhere about business and capitalism and how to make money and all that jazz. It’s like, Rule number one of business, or something.

As business owner/service provider/whatever, I want your money and I will do whatever I can to get your money as long as those ways are in accordance with the law because that’s how I stay in business.

Even more astoundingly, it turns out gay money spends just as well as straight money! In fact, interest rates and inflation rates and all the other rates are exactly the same! I HAD NO IDEA. I don’t even think banks or the IRS can tell the difference between gay money and straight money.

I think I might have to rethink my entire position on this issue.

Animals Boning Each Other And What That Says About God’s Will

You should be aware that this post is largely about hardcore snake-on-snake action. If that offends your sensibilities, you may wish to read something else. Ye be warned.

“It’s against God’s will! It’s unnatural! It goes against the natural order of things!”

Ah, the clarion call of the religious argument against homosexuality. Rarely has there been a more succinct and more thoroughly reasoned argument made against an entire group of people than this; the fact that it’s also the same argument that was made against interracial marriage, for example, is something we aren’t supposed to think about.

But is it really unnatural? Is it even a good idea to live our lives according to what is natural? I’m not so sure. We have to assume that animals incapable of thought that obey their God-given instincts are acting perfectly natural, right? It’s only we thinking humans that are capable of perverting the natural order with our perverse perversions.

But if that’s the case, consider this:

When North American garter snakes mate, both sexes emit pheromones that enable other snakes to smell whether they are males or females to help them home in on a partner. But the coolest snakes, so to speak, are the warmest males – these always win the females. Up to 25 randy males may cluster around a single female, forming an orgiastic ball of writhing, copulating snakes.

Sometimes male garter snakes will emit female-like pheromones to fool other males into an attempt to mate with the ‘she-male’ snakes; scientists think this behavior tactic is designed to help them get warm quickly after their winter hibernation. The warmed-up ‘she-males’ then have a more successful time mating with the female snakes than their decidedly cooler competition.

In order to test this hypothesis, a team led by Dr. Rich Shine from the University of Sydney fixed miniature thermal data loggers to snakes to accurately measure their heat transfers, and also used dead snakes as courtship targets. They proved their point and published the result in Nature magazine. And yes, some randy snakes did try to mate with the dead snakes – even necrophilia is not out of bounds in the animal kingdom . . . (Source)

First thought: wow, these are some freaky snakes. In three paragraphs, we have snake orgies, snake drag queens that try to trick unsuspecting snake boys, and snake necrophilia. These snakes are hardcore, they are on a mission and that mission is to fuck other snakes and make more snakes. And they will stop at nothing to accomplish this goal.

Suddenly, two dudes or two ladies who fancy each other doesn’t seem so weird, does it? Compared to these snakes, humans are basically prudes: straight, gay, bi, trans, it doesn’t matter, we’re all basically celibate compared to the lengths these snakes will go to for some hot snake-on-snake action.

And this is all perfectly natural. They’re just following their instincts. Their natural, presumably God-given instincts.

If we’re to infer that “what’s natural” is a good indicator for how God wants us to live our lives, I think it’s reasonable to assume that God is perfectly okay with some incredibly freaky shit.