I’ve been called out on Facebook. I believe that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I would do pretty well. I’m in pretty good physical condition, I know quite a bit about the undead, and I have access to both weaponry and survival equipment like a portable water filter. This claim, however, has been challenged and as part of that challenge, my friend posted this image in response:
Okay. Look. Let’s clear up a few things. First, yes, I’m afraid of spiders. Despite this fear, I still believe I could face down the undead in combat. There are many reasons why it’s both reasonable to be afraid of spiders while believing one is capable of facing a zombie. Here is my rebuttal, in a convenient list form:
- Spiders have eight legs. Zombies have two (or fewer). This is basic math.
- Zombies are slow (we’re talking Romero zombies here, 28 Days Later-style infected don’t count). Have you ever seen a pissed off tarantula move? Try blowing on one and see how long it takes for it to attach itself to your face. The answer is: 0.2 seconds before you run away screaming “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, IT’S ON MY FACE!”
- Zombies are much larger targets and thus easier to shoot. Only a few species of spider, like the terrifying goliath bird-eater, are large enough to be vulnerable to handgun fire.
- Zombies are stupid and just wander towards you when they see you. Spiders . . . spiders wait. They watch. They plan. And they strike when you least expect it . . . and get inside your shirt.
- Zombies don’t spin webs that you can walk into so that you are distracted by trying to pull the web strands off your skin while they go right for your ear holes.
- Zombies can’t drop down into your hair when you walk under a tree nor descend onto your face while dangling on a strand of webbing. Spiders are silent and stealthy killers, like ninja.
- If there’s a zombie in your sleeping bag, you’ll know about it long before you get into that sleeping bag. If there is a spider in your sleeping bag, you will not know until it’s too late.
- Both zombies and spiders can bite you, but a zombie bite ends stops being scary after you become a zombie yourself. A victim of a spider bite gets to watch in perpetual horror as your fucking skin rots away.
- Zombies don’t carry millions of baby zombies on their backs, nor do they explode in a carpet of tiny baby zombies when inadvertently stepped on.
- We always have a chance of stopping the zombie apocalypse and ending the zombie threat. In terms of sheer numbers, we have already ceded our planet to our arachnid overlords.
There you have it. Ten reasons why spiders are a greater, more terrifying threat than even the worst zombie apocalypse.
Of course, if the zombies manage to cross the species barrier and start turning things other than humans into zombies, we’re totally screwed. Because there is absolutely nothing more vile, horrific, and ball-shrinkingly terrifying than . . .
ZOMBIE SPIDER JESUS CHRIST RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!
Cynical Idealism 
Spiders, when they bite you, do not turn you into another spider.
What about Spider-Man?
I’m willing to risk finding out what happens when Spider-Man bites me.
Which Spider-Man are we talking here? Tobey Maguire Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield Spider-Man?
We can go in order.
I also believe I would do really well in the zombie apocalypse. I work out a lot, I read up on survival lit; but then I must enter reality and know, I’ll totally die: in my loft apartment in a city, I’ll panic, run like a maniac, and instantly get bit.
I think you’re selling yourself short! When the zombies arise, years of mental conditioning through geek culture will kick in. “Zombie apocalypse,” the brain will say. “We know exactly what to do. We got this.”
The only question is figuring out which zombies you’d be facing. You don’t want to run headfirst into a pile of 28 Days Later infected when you were prepped for classic Romero slow zombies. That would be bad.