According to the Cartographic Research Lab at the University of Alabama, Arizona is officially the state with the worst alcoholism problem in the Union. Judging by the contents of my desk, that sounds fairly accurate.

Interestingly, even though Arizona has the worst alcoholism, we don’t have the worst rates of drunk driving (Montana), fatal car crashes (Wyoming), binge drinking (Minnesota), or poorest health (Kansas). So, there’s that. Although how we can be the most alcoholic state but lose out in binge drinking is beyond me. Maybe Minnesotans are better at holding their liquor.

If this study is accurate, I’ll definitely be avoiding Virginia (most motorcycle deaths), South Dakota (most rape), and Louisiana (most gonorrhea). Washington must be an uncomfortable place to be for dogs, sheep, and goats (most bestiality) and Mormon capital of the world Utah has the most porn usage, which actually explains a lot.

The odd part is some of the things some states are the worst at are much, much, much worse than others. Ohio, for example, is “the nerdiest state,” which is “based on highest number of library visits per capita (6.9).” Um, wow, way to be a bunch nerds, Ohio. Yeah, I bet you feel bad, don’t you, Ohio? Bunch of library-using eggheads, bookworms, and nerds, the whole lot of you!

(Editor’s note: apparently, I can’t pass a fifth grade geography class, since I wrongly accused Nebraska of having the poorest health, when actually it was Kansas. It’s possible that I’m actually a resident of Maine (the dumbest state). Nebraska still sucks, though, having the most violence on females, so it’s basically a wash.)