Your State Is The Worst (At Something)

According to the Cartographic Research Lab at the University of Alabama, Arizona is officially the state with the worst alcoholism problem in the Union. Judging by the contents of my desk, that sounds fairly accurate.

Interestingly, even though Arizona has the worst alcoholism, we don’t have the worst rates of drunk driving (Montana), fatal car crashes (Wyoming), binge drinking (Minnesota), or poorest health (Kansas). So, there’s that. Although how we can be the most alcoholic state but lose out in binge drinking is beyond me. Maybe Minnesotans are better at holding their liquor.

If this study is accurate, I’ll definitely be avoiding Virginia (most motorcycle deaths), South Dakota (most rape), and Louisiana (most gonorrhea). Washington must be an uncomfortable place to be for dogs, sheep, and goats (most bestiality) and Mormon capital of the world Utah has the most porn usage, which actually explains a lot.

The odd part is some of the things some states are the worst at are much, much, much worse than others. Ohio, for example, is “the nerdiest state,” which is “based on highest number of library visits per capita (6.9).” Um, wow, way to be a bunch nerds, Ohio. Yeah, I bet you feel bad, don’t you, Ohio? Bunch of library-using eggheads, bookworms, and nerds, the whole lot of you!

(Editor’s note: apparently, I can’t pass a fifth grade geography class, since I wrongly accused Nebraska of having the poorest health, when actually it was Kansas. It’s possible that I’m actually a resident of Maine (the dumbest state). Nebraska still sucks, though, having the most violence on females, so it’s basically a wash.)

6 thoughts on “Your State Is The Worst (At Something)”

  1. Quick correction. It was actually Kansas with the poorest health; Nebraska has the highest rate of violence on females.

    Pennsylvania has the most deaths from arson. I’ll be sleeping with my fire extinguisher close tonight.

    1. Thanks for the correction!

      I’m shocked and horrified that I can’t correctly identify a state just by looking at it on a map. If you need me, I’ll be moving all my belongings to Maine so that I can be among my own kind.

      1. For what it’s worth, I have always joked that the first line in the University of Nebraska fight song needs to be changed. “There is no place like Nebraska”? What about ANY OF THE STATES BORDERING NEBRASKA?

  2. I also noticed the “nerdy” Ohio. I guess they couldn’t find anything else juicy enough. This map does make the country sounds very weird, though. On the basis of this alone – if true – I don’t think I’d visit Arizona, California, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Louisiana, Maine (and I love Maine!), Mass., Minnesota, Montana, Nevada, Oregon, Penn., Rhode Island, S Dakota, Tennessee, Virginia, Washington or Wyoming. Which is of course utterly silly.
    Massachusetts = worst drivers. Yup. I like driving a lot, but if I need to go out, it usually requires mental preparation and mild anxiety. Blech.
    By the by, I’ve been staring at the U.S. map every now and then ever since I moved here (10+ years now), and I still can’t do ’em all. It’s a relief that they’re hard for Americans as well.

    1. I’ve heard that Boston is one of the worst cities when it comes to driving. Is it more of a hostility thing or just a “I have no idea what’s going on right now, so I’ll merge lanes without looking” kind of thing?

  3. Honestly, I have no idea. I’ve been driven by someone who was intently discussing with her backseat passengers to the point of turning around in her seat *while driving*. This person later said she considers herself a good driver. If that can be extended to the rest of the populace, it’s ignorance. Or possibly overwrought egotism, as the converted-van-type schoolbus that came in front of me from the left-turn lane to pass me in the middle of an intersection. The driver clearly didn’t intend to turn, they just wanted to get ahead of me. Brr!

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